Introduction & Statment

I'm 7 months pregnant 

I'm due DEC 9th 2012 

I'm having a boy 

His name will be Connor Dean

Im not the motherly type at least I never thought I was. As a kid I told my mom If I ever had children I was going to ship them off somewhere until they were old enough to walk and talk and then I'd take them back. as a teen my philosophy never really changed. Of course I baby sat as every teen does but I only baby sat toddlers I liked toddlers I got along with them I understood them I didn't touch babies. And that's really not much of an exaggeration. Iv held three babies in my whole life. two were handed to me because I told people I don't do babies and they thought that was the most ridiculous thing ever. Obviously it was because I just hadn't held a baby. Apparently every persons child is sprinkled in magical loveable fairy dust that can instantly turn someone into a baby person. the third was my cousins kid I did that one semi voluntarily because I thought since we were related it might be different It really wasn't.    

Don't get me wrong I don't hate babies they are kinda cute I love baby things I will coo and aww over anything midget sized. I just have always been extremely uncomfortable around babies. I don't know what to do with them they fuss for no apparent reason they make noises that are not human And they are inconceivably good at sensing my fear. Sleeping babies wake up just to fuss if I enter the room. Babies that "never cause problems" will simultaneously screech projectile vomit and explosively poo followed by an hour of uninterrupted crying if I stand over their crib (this has happened twice). Im just plain not good around babies. Even if a toddler is being an inconceivable jack douche you know what they are doing you can react control or ignore the situation. Babies make evil scary faces and live in a foreign world speaking some alien tongue even their little often strangely shaped bodies just plan move different.

Oh but all of that will change when you have your own baby you just wont understand until your holding your own little bundle of joy. I hope your right generic motherly advice giver because honestly after about 3 months of prep work (I rather obviously was not trying to get pregnant so I didn't find out until over two months along) I'm still terrified. I have noticed changes I defiantly want my child I'm very excited about giving birth but I am terrified that I will be a terrible mother. Everyone worries about that silly girl it will all come together. But what if it doesn't? What if I don't learn how to read babies weird little alien language? What if I change its diaper when it wants to be play and play with it when it wants to sleep and put it to bed when it wants to eat? What if it senses my fear and incompetence and vehemently protests being placed in the hands of such a total loser?

I probably wont get a real answer to any of those questions until I'm holding my baby. maybe my baby will be a total hellion but I will find such joy in his existence none of the drama or trouble or screw ups will matter. Maybe my baby will be a total angel but my crippling fear of the squishy faced beings will re-manifest and all parenting tasks will be delegated to the father until It can in fact walk and talk just like I said when I was 5.

However there Is one thing I can say.............. no matter how much I screw up as a first time parent, No matter how many times I say I cant do this, that I dont get it, that its to hard.....I am going to keep trying. that's what this blog is for Its a place for me to record the things I want to impart to my child the things I want to teach him do with him discover with him make and play and remember. this is a place to record the kind of parent I want to be. As it progresses it will be a place to list what I accomplished and what I failed what was absolutely ridiculous of me to believe in the first place and what he teaches me. its a place for me to reflect to be honest to boast and sometimes to flat out bitch and complain.

I hope this blog ends up being positive that it bring hope and joy and ideas and laughter I hope to spark something in this world........ or at lest be bookmarked for the most extensive list of cool crap to try.